Who Are You? Knowing the answer can help you get unstuck.

My husband and I lead a local Metaphysical Meetup group and our last meeting centered on that question - which brought up a lot of interesting discussions.

The 'who am I' question is always at the forefront of my mind also, as I am finishing up the bachelors level of a doctorate in Metaphysics. (My husband has already finished this level, and is dealing with the related question: who am I now as a Metaphysical Minister?)

Also, I'm preparing to lead a full-day workshop later this month that begins with this question. (If you're in or around the Huntsville, Alabama area, I'd love for you to join me! Get more info.) The central focus for the day is how to get moving when you're feeling stuck. I thought I'd share a few tidbits from the workshop with you here.

How to Grow When You Don't Know How - Saturday, March 29 in Huntsville, AL, 9:00 a.m. - 4:00 p.m. (If you are interested in a week-night teleclass version, please send me an email.) In this workshop, we'll explore various aspects of who you are, including your gifts and strengths, values, life balance, and life purpose. We'll also expose hidden blocks, defenses, and underlying fears that keep you from moving forward. Get more info.

Openings - I currently have three openings for clients. If you would like personal support on your path I would love to talk with you. Or, if you have a friend, co-worker, or family member who feels stuck or is in that place of "don't know," I would appreciate the referral. Learn more about coaching or my coaching programs.

We've all been at that "don't know" feeling stuck place at some point in our lives. It happens a lot at transition points like choosing which college to attend, choosing a field to major in, choosing which job to take, deciding where to live, etc. Or, maybe the kids have all entered school, or left for college, or you've just retired, and you're faced with "now what?"

Or perhaps you've reach a point in your life where you're tired of tolerating or "playing small" and you sense there's more to life, but you're not sure how to get to "more" or even not sure what "more" looks like!

When you're in that "don't know" stuck place, what's needed is a "time out" to re-group and refresh. As you get back to the basics of YOU, here are six questions to consider.

All questions we have about life begin with this fundamental question and all problems stem from not knowing the answer. Yet, answering the question honestly and completely is the key to creating a sense of meaning and fulfillment in our lives.

A good place to begin answering this question is to make a list of the roles you play in your life, in your work, and in your relationships. For example, are you a parent, gardener, soccer coach, nurse, executive, engineer, Mother, son, etc?

Then for each roll you listed, notice your sense of self. Does your internal self feel consistent regardless of the varying external contexts, or does it change? What is your core identity, your “essence,” that transcends all these roles and relationships?

Often when we find ourselves unable to make a decision or are putting off facing a difficult problem, the underlying culprit is "value confusion."

When our values are unclear we become tentative, hesitant and direction-less. Being clear about what we value most gives a sense of confidence. It fuels our passion and makes us action-oriented.

With your core essence in mind, think about what's important to you. What values and ideals do you most stand for? List 5 to 10 and then rate them on a scale of 1 – 5, with 5 being most important, 1 least important. Re-write them in order of their importance to you.

Being able to accurately define the problem is critical to coming up with a proper solution for that problem. Identifying what you're feeling is an integral part of this definition.

Describe in detail exactly what the problem or situation is. Give all the who, what, where, how, etc information you can. Then, make a list the emotions and feelings you are experiencing. Look at what’s underneath the “stuck” or "don't know" feeling. Is it frustration, overwhelm, sadness, anger, fear, etc?

Read through your list of values and what you wrote about the essence of who you are. Then, review the description you wrote of your problem and ask yourself these questions:

This is often the hardest step when you're in the don't know / stuck place, yet it’s the most vital for moving forward. Sometimes it’s easiest to begin by looking at what you don’t want and then turn it around to what you do want instead. For instance, “I don’t want to be yelled at” could be turned into “I want to be treated with respect.” “I don’t want to feel ignored” could be “I want to feel valued and important.” “I don’t want to be in this job” might be “I want to do fulfilling work that uses my gifts and talents.”

Looking at your problem/situation, make a list of what you want. List your don't wants and turn them into "do wants." Let yourself dream. Don't let shoulds, shouldn'ts, or supposed to's limit your possibilities.

Be sure to notice, as you are making your list, if there are any things about your current situation that you’d like to maintain, or that you’d like to improve upon. Add these to your list as well.

If you are, great! From your list of wants, decide and set a direction - a goal - to move toward. Then write down your action steps and go for it!

If you find that you’re not willing to take action yet, go back to step one and revisit your values and your essence. If you found that your core identity changes in each of your roles, take some time to explore the underlying causes. Is there a fear of being judged lurking underneath? Are you tolerating something? Are you hiding in some way?

If you’re not sure if you’re ready to take action, that’s okay. Sometimes just the willingness to change is all you can muster. Review step one to make certain you are clear on your values. Then re-evaluate the different roles you play. Do you have a strong sense of your internal self in each of these roles? Can you define the core essence that transcends each of these roles?

Keep in mind, as we go through life, circumstances change and we change. The answer to the fundamental question, Who Am I? also changes. Periodicaly reassessing the answer to this question is important to keeping us in integrity with our true self and for aiding us in reaching our highest potential.

And during those life transition times when we feel stuck or just "don't know," revisiting this question is critical for giving us direction and the energy to move forward.

Here is a quick, simple exercise from The Self-Esteem Companion book to use on those days when you're feeling gloomy and down on yourself, or to use anytime you want to remember how to feel great about yourself.

Take 3 or 4 deep breaths. Allow a feeling of relaxation and calm to spread throughout your body. Close your eyes, and as you feel the tension leaving your muscles, become aware of your dominant hand.

Touch your thumb to your index finger and think back to a time in your past where you felt really loved and cared for. Anytime will do, whether it's a small moment or a big event. Just allow this feeling of being loved and being cared for to wash over you.

Now, touch your thumb to your middle finger and think back to a time when you felt really successful. Again, any memory will do as long as it gives you strong sense of your feelings of success. Give yourself time to bask in the glow of this memory.

Touch your thumb to your ring finger. Remember a time when you did something important for someone else. It can be any moment of selflessness that's important to you.

Finally, touch your thumb to your pinkie and look for a memory of loving someone else. Think back to a moment when you felt love for another very strongly, when that feeling filled your heart.

Practice this exercise and use it whenever you need a quick reminder of how to feel good.

About My Practice

Create a Happy 'Tude is published monthly on the 2nd Tuesday of each month. Its purpose is to inspire and motivate readers to keep a happy, healthy, prosperous attitude by providing articles, exercises, tips and resources.

Spiritual Coaching Center specializes in helping clients move past their fears, discover their true selves, and get on with the passionate pursuit of their dreams. If you are ready to stretch beyond your current limits and create a more authentic, happier life for yourself, I would love to talk with you. Send an email or call 256-348-5236 to set up a free Discovery Session.

My personal mission is to tell the truth, to live with integrity, to be my real, authentic self, and to inspire others to do the same. If I can help bring a smile to someone's face, offer a different perspective, or inspire just one person to get a move on, then I will have taken one more step toward fulfilling my purpose in life.

- Becky Waters, Life Wellness Coach

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